Sunday, July 24, 2011

Bottled up Emotions

There are times when you have a lot to say, but words alienate you. Words are sometimes a person's best ally and at times a big traitor. These very words can do wonders and on the other hand even have the power to wreck the things that matter to you the most. But at this instant, I think they're going to be my refuge. Like (almost) always.

I always thought I was special. Not because I was exceptionally talented. The only thing that made me feel different was my determination. I believed in the fact that I could do everything without being especially gifted. By the grace of God, I was able to do everything that for others was impossible. But unfortunately something went wrong in that process. I earned everything I wanted: respect, fame. Success was there at my feet. BUT, I had to loose a lot to get all of this. My friends shunned me; still don’t know why. It's funny that when you are happy, very few people are there who still remain as they were before. And when you're there in the gutter, everyone's there to shower you with their sympathies. Sadly, I was never accepted in my class as an equal because of reasons still unclear (not unknown) to me. I never made good friends...till the end (not including a few exceptions); never got the opportunity to feel that I have someone to trust, someone who won’t back stab me. I don’t know if I didn't deserve anyone like that, or I actually didn’t look hard enough for that friend. But then after a while it all became very simple. Living alone wasn't impossible. It was just ‘not easy’. From then onwards trusting people became nothing but a flaw close to me… Till the day I found this very special person...

This person had everything I wanted in my friend. Everything. We were quite close, and I guess the thing that tied us were words. Feelings were there too but they were a part of our ‘wordly’ world. Life was great. I was no longer alone. And I had planned my forever too! It was simply divine, I tell you. All those moments were heavenly, just as I had imagined. The people who hated me no longer mattered. I simply had no time for them. I was too busy being happy in the true sense- an emotion I had never experienced till I met this friend. But then like all good things come to an end; this friendship too came to an end.
For a person like me; determined, never giving up- life now seemed nothing but a mess. I didn’t want to give up on our friendship, on everything we shared. It was a simple, honest relation. The very words that ignited the souls within our bodies, bringing us close together became responsible for the fire that burnt everything. And now I’m left with nothing but a sinking feeling telling me again and again: Was trusting someone really worth it? Was I right when I accepted the fact that I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all?
The feeling is so poisonous that every time it invades my body, it leaves a part of me numb. There are times when you end up doing childish things, out of nothing but the sheer insecurity occupying your mind. And then justifying your stance, explaining to the person for whom you did everything the reason behind the action turns out to be impossible. You can’t take back those words. You can’t turn back time. You can’t make things alright. All you can do is bear the brunt of your action, despite the pure intentions behind it. It’s so difficult defending yourself from a person whom you thought would defend you always when the world would turn against you. But I guess that’s just a part of fairytales. Stories based on nothing but words…with no link to reality.

And now when I have almost everything, for a moment I felt as if I have nothing. Why do things that your life abandons at a certain stage matter so much? Why can’t they be like every normal I-don’t-give-a-shit kind of thing? They say that forgetting someone important is like remembering someone you never met. How true that is, I don’t know. After all the attempts to save the relation, I feel as if it was bound to sink from the every beginning because its base was weak. Weak because it started with meaningless words, and ended with hollow words.

And so instead of being all sad for even a day more, I’ve decided to wipe away those memories and save myself from the pain. What’s done is done, and there’s no point in looking back. Right now, all I need to do is be happy- for no-one but me.

So for all those who bothered reading this, I learnt a few lessons which I’d like to share:

- Don’t rely on anyone. It’s difficult handling your emotions alone. But trust me, you can do it. Don’t show any one your weak side. No-one’s as innocent as you think they are.

- Don’t underestimate the power of words. Weigh them a thousand times before letting them out in any form. They can break and mend hearts at the same time. They can even be an indicator of a person’s personality, so use them wisely. Just don’t fall for flowery praises. Look for the truth behind each word. I know that’s difficult, but then life was never easy.

- If to anyone your life seems like a ‘drama’- make it very clear to them that they’re not invited to watch it and can leave as soon as possible. No-one’s life is a drama. Everyone has problems, and even if they are very tiny, they’re still present there. You’ve got to eradicate them instead of letting others demotivate you by telling you that your life is nothing but a pointless stage show.

- You don’t need anyone who doesn’t value your tears. They’re precious. But to some they are nothing but a solution of Sodium Chloride. So you better clean sweep these people from your life, or you’d have to uselessly suffer from a deficiency of minerals.

- Hardships, pain, suffering, mistakes- all can either take you a hundred steps ahead or a hundred steps back. It’s your choice which path you take; whether you decide to go forward or backward. It’s this route which determines who you are- not the people responsible for the hardships you had to bear.

- And no matter WHAT people say you’re beautiful and unique the way you are, even if people shun you from their groups. Mind you, I didn’t say perfect- there’s always room for improvement. Keep trying to be a better human being all the time. Ask people why they have issues with you. If you do not get a proper response, understand that they are jealous of you. And jealous people should be left alone. Soon they’d realize their mistake and regret what they did.

- Never think you’re not good enough to have companions. Friends are not made in this world; they’re destined to be with you and will definitely find you at the right time. Still if you feel you’re lonely; remember someone up there is watching over you, all the time. And to Him, you’re a VIP :)

- Last but not the least, remember: Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true :)


  1. so true!

    particularly what u said about success!

    people just can't resist seeing others happy, famous or successful! n thats the bad sad thing about success.

    and about the lessons, i love them because i learned them from time to time! i know what you have been through!


  2. thanks for commenting Ridx!
    Glad to know that someone out there has been through the same thing as me. Gives me more reasons not to think that Im the odd one out :P