Saturday, June 11, 2011

Confessions of a Confider

Sometimes when you've got a lava of emotions building inside you, you just need someone to confide in- someone who would only listen to you, who won’t pity you and who won’t be judgmental. However wrong you might be, you want that one person to accept what you are saying as a holy truth. Not for a moment does it strike you that once you start confiding, you would cross all your limits; you won’t weigh your words before depositing them in front of your confidante. Later on, you might label it as a mistake or a peaceful escape- depending on the consequences that follow.

Why do we need someone to listen to us? Why can't man cope up with his emotions himself? Why are we so dependent on someone to attain mental peace- someone who might be having problems similar to ours and might be even having his own confidantes? Sometimes I think I rely too much on what others think about me and my life. I want someone to tell me whether I'm right or not, half of the time. But I'm not the only one out there. It's not being intimidated. It's something worse than that. It's letting others control what you think and what you do. That's what makes you vulnerable in the end. Not the secrets that you spill out, but the fact that you NEED someone.

During a discussion in class, I put up a notion that man doesn't need anyone to share emotions with. He can survive without friends (because they are nothing but a way to escape from reality), and rely upon his Creator. I was confronted by my classmates. My teacher said that you do need a person (read human being) to console you, calm you and soothe you. "You need someone who would understand your feelings; who would listen and respond to you; who won’t be mute.” she said. But God's mute. He listens and responds in His own ways. Not through words, but through other means. After all, He is the Giver of mental peace. Then WHY do we need someone to hear us out?

Can't we battle the war within us? Or are we too weak to confront our own self. Is it because it would prick our conscience when we realize that we are wrong, and then we would want someone with a similar thinking pattern to assure us that what we did was right? Or are we actually looking for angels in this human world, sent from heaven to show us the right way?

The more I resolve to keep my feelings confined to myself, the more I give in to the temptation of sharing the pain. Sometimes the mistake has a sweet reward in the end, and sometimes a bitter one. Sometimes the result justifies the deed, and sometimes... it's just another futile effort to make amendments or solve inexplicable mysteries. It's just the 'don't-tell-anyone's and the 'I-can-trust-you's that bind us to our confidantes, giving them their supreme position... till the moment when we realize that they aren't any angels, but humans who are bound to falter somewhere or the other. And that marks the beginning of a hate-relationship and the 'I-can't-trust-anyone' stories. But the question remains, do we really need to confide in someone to relieve ourselves from the excruciating mental pain? Or has the time come when we would face our own self and kill the source of that pain/anxiety with our very own hands? - vanquish our demons, our problems alone.