As I sit outside the emergency room, my eyes red and swollen, I envy the parents coming out of Room 21 with happiness spread all over their faces. Their hands are gently clasping the small creature as if even a slight pressure would deprive them of their recently gained happiness. A tear trickles down my cheek. Seventeen years ago, anyone could have envied my happiness too...
George and I were very happy. the extent of our happiness had no boundaries. The small blue eyes, peeping out at us, gave us a heavenly pleasure. We finally had a reason to live.
And it was Jamie.
Jamie was like a ray of light in my life which had been engulfed in darkness. Despite the way George physically abused me, I was contented. I was happy with my 'small family'. But soon I realized that there is no such thing as eternal happiness.
When Jamie turned six, our family no longer consisted of three people. Now it was just me and Jamie. Jamie never questioned why dad left, never cried in my presence, never shared the sorrow which was eating him from within. When I had seen the divorce papers, my heart had shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. But I still kept myself strong. That day I had realized, that saying Good-bye is not that hard, because after it life still moved on.
I watched Jamie grow from two feet to five feet. I watched him while he made those perfectly structured sand castles at the beach, every now and then glancing at the 'complete' families around. I helped him ride his bicycle, something he had dreamt of doing since he was two. I made him do his homework, often playing with his curly hair, entwining them in my fingers. I had seen him turn from a new born baby into a grown up child; but I guess he never saw me. He never realized that I was always there by his side, like his guardian angel. I didn't blame him. I might not have been the reason for his existence, but for me he was the sole reason behind every single breath I inhaled with my broken body.
Time flew by. Jamie entered Mount College, one of the most prestigious educational institutions in New Jersey. And what made me proud was that he did it all with his own efforts. He was the first student who had received full scholarship from the institute. I was happy for Jamie, despite the fact that I couldn't read his name on the Certificate of Merit. AH! I was getting old; white hair, fragile bones, weak sight... but within this old body I still had a strong will, to make Jamie reach the top; to see his own family flourish. I had hopes and before I said good-bye to him forever, I wanted my dreams to turn into reality.
But that was not to be.
A few months later, I could sense that something was wrong with Jamie. The dark circles around his eyes, the blood stains on his shirt, all made me really uncomfortable. Whenever I asked him about this, he just smiled. He smiled the kind of smile anyone could fall for, and then he would give me a tight hug. He was fine. Yes, fine till that day only, I guess.
Two days later upon entering his room what I saw made my heart ache. He was there, my Jamie, trembling from head to toe. His hands clasped a syringe filled with a yellow liquid. Without opening his closed eyes, he brought the tip of the needle near his wrist and within a second punctured his skin with it. I saw the yellow fluid, vanishing from the syringe, and entering Jamie's vein. His muscles relaxed, and a smile adorned his face. It was pleasure; satisfaction. Without looking at me, he pushed his body back towards the bed and dozed off. I was confused...my Jamie was in danger, but I didn't know what to do.
The next day, an argument broke out between Jamie and me. It was the first time he argued with me. I cried but he didn't wipe my tears. He has not my Jamie and he made that clear when he stormed out of the room. This time, no good-byes. And that was when I lost hope. Not all, some. My Jamie had left me alone.
But deep inside I knew that we would meet each other soon. I just knew it.
However, the way we met again, sealed all my hopes of attaining happiness forever.
Two days later, Dr. Phillips called to inform me about my son's complicated situation. He was struggling between life and death. And so was I.
Just a few hours later, Jamie left me. Lung Cancer took away from me my most precious possession. I kissed his bluish skin, the swollen veins on his hand, his dry lips. If only my love had the power to bring him back. If only my love could heal his punctured skin, remove the abscesses from his legs, make his heart beat once again. I have said so many good-byes. But this good-bye never left my lips. Good-byes are said when you depart from someone but Jamie? Jamie was still there, right in front of me; playing a cruel game.
Everyone has left the hospital, but here I am, convincing myself that Jamie never left. I couldn't say good-bye to him...because I could never let him go. Life just couldn't move on without him. Jamie, if only you knew how much I loved you.
The next second, darkness engulfed me.
Good-bye world. Good-bye.