Monday, January 24, 2011

Saying Good-bye

As I sit outside the emergency room, my eyes red and swollen, I envy the parents coming out of Room 21 with happiness spread all over their faces. Their hands are gently clasping the small creature as if even a slight pressure would deprive them of their recently gained happiness. A tear trickles down my cheek. Seventeen years ago, anyone could have envied my happiness too...

George and I were very happy. the extent of our happiness had no boundaries. The small blue eyes, peeping out at us, gave us a heavenly pleasure. We finally had a reason to live.

And it was Jamie.

Jamie was like a ray of light in my life which had been engulfed in darkness. Despite the way George physically abused me, I was contented. I was happy with my 'small family'. But soon I realized that there is no such thing as eternal happiness.

When Jamie turned six, our family no longer consisted of three people. Now it was just me and Jamie. Jamie never questioned why dad left, never cried in my presence, never shared the sorrow which was eating him from within. When I had seen the divorce papers, my heart had shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. But I still kept myself strong. That day I had realized, that saying Good-bye is not that hard, because after it life still moved on.

I watched Jamie grow from two feet to five feet. I watched him while he made those perfectly structured sand castles at the beach, every now and then glancing at the 'complete' families around. I helped him ride his bicycle, something he had dreamt of doing since he was two. I made him do his homework, often playing with his curly hair, entwining them in my fingers. I had seen him turn from a new born baby into a grown up child; but I guess he never saw me. He never realized that I was always there by his side, like his guardian angel. I didn't blame him. I might not have been the reason for his existence, but for me he was the sole reason behind every single breath I inhaled with my broken body.

Time flew by. Jamie entered Mount College, one of the most prestigious educational institutions in New Jersey. And what made me proud was that he did it all with his own efforts. He was the first student who had received full scholarship from the institute. I was happy for Jamie, despite the fact that I couldn't read his name on the Certificate of Merit. AH! I was getting old; white hair, fragile bones, weak sight... but within this old body I still had a strong will, to make Jamie reach the top; to see his own family flourish. I had hopes and before I said good-bye to him forever, I wanted my dreams to turn into reality.

But that was not to be.

A few months later, I could sense that something was wrong with Jamie. The dark circles around his eyes, the blood stains on his shirt, all made me really uncomfortable. Whenever I asked him about this, he just smiled. He smiled the kind of smile anyone could fall for, and then he would give me a tight hug. He was fine. Yes, fine till that day only, I guess.

Two days later upon entering his room what I saw made my heart ache. He was there, my Jamie, trembling from head to toe. His hands clasped a syringe filled with a yellow liquid. Without opening his closed eyes, he brought the tip of the needle near his wrist and within a second punctured his skin with it. I saw the yellow fluid, vanishing from the syringe, and entering Jamie's vein. His muscles relaxed, and a smile adorned his face. It was pleasure; satisfaction. Without looking at me, he pushed his body back towards the bed and dozed off. I was Jamie was in danger, but I didn't know what to do.

The next day, an argument broke out between Jamie and me. It was the first time he argued with me. I cried but he didn't wipe my tears. He has not my Jamie and he made that clear when he stormed out of the room. This time, no good-byes. And that was when I lost hope. Not all, some. My Jamie had left me alone.

But deep inside I knew that we would meet each other soon. I just knew it.

However, the way we met again, sealed all my hopes of attaining happiness forever.

Two days later, Dr. Phillips called to inform me about my son's complicated situation. He was struggling between life and death. And so was I.

Just a few hours later, Jamie left me. Lung Cancer took away from me my most precious possession. I kissed his bluish skin, the swollen veins on his hand, his dry lips. If only my love had the power to bring him back. If only my love could heal his punctured skin, remove the abscesses from his legs, make his heart beat once again. I have said so many good-byes. But this good-bye never left my lips. Good-byes are said when you depart from someone but Jamie? Jamie was still there, right in front of me; playing a cruel game.

Everyone has left the hospital, but here I am, convincing myself that Jamie never left. I couldn't say good-bye to him...because I could never let him go. Life just couldn't move on without him. Jamie, if only you knew how much I loved you.

The next second, darkness engulfed me.
Good-bye world. Good-bye.

Idle Thoughts

I often wonder, what am I actually doing here? As every second passes by , I ponder over the things i did in the previous seconds. Time flies by, but where? how? why?

Life seems purposeless nowadays. With no community service, it really seems pointless. Studies, studies, studies. That's it. Where am I heading? Is getting a degree really the purpose of my life? Do my grades really matter that much? I don't know. Does an A* really define my potentials?

What if I die tomorrow...what then? What is the value of the breaths I'm taking in every minute? Suicide rates have rocketed upwards, natural calamities are greeting us every now and then, every other soul on this planet is restless. What is God planning up there? For me, for us.

Do ambitions really matter? Are they as important as the smile which we rarely bother to share?...Is it REALLY that hard, making someone else happy? Do we HAVE t o judge people? Can't we leave everyone alone...letting them do whatever they want to do? Where is this life heading?

Right now I'm sad. Daily I go for tuitions, I come back home, Face-book, eat, pray and sleep. I chatter non-stop throughout the day, trying to make people laugh, just trying to help them get rid of their sorrows. But does that really help?

Why do words hurt so much, when they just have a momentary existence in our life? Why do we argue to prove our points right? Why do we say 'sorry' when we know we're going to repeat the same thing again? Why do we share our secrets when they are 'secrets'? Why is it so easy to be sad when you're happy, yet so difficult to be happy when you're sad?

Is it strange if you don't have a friend?

Is loneliness a consequence of pessimism?

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Once upon a time, I read this somewhere :)

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Don't talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper, and I can do for myself; I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can stop trying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people - because G*d is mute, and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things. G*d just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn - and I will listen to you.