Ramadan is over. No more fasts and today is Eid (a festival celebrated across the world by Muslims to express their gratitude to God after the Holy month of Ramadan).
My past had been very different from my present. I very well remember that I used to be really excited for Eid. But tonight, I am no longer enthusiastic about the big day. For me it was just another day, when I smiled despite the immense pain I'm hiding inside. No-one can see it. And the day ended just like any other day.
I had planned to blog about a lot of stuff, ranging from the rainy day in Karachi to my wildest dreams, but now I am so shattered that even the thought of sharing my fantasies has lost it's charm.
My mind is too occupied with these lyrics:
" Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first; Sometimes the first thing you want never comes; Sometimes the waiting is all you can do...Sometimes."
(Song: Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung)
I wanted so many things; I dreamt so many dreams; I built so many castles in the air hoping to lay foundation beneath them, but after just one day; after that very moment, everything went down the drain. Those dreams, those desires, those castles...all vanished into thin air, forever. Being grateful for what you have is, I guess, the most difficult thing to do. I have so much to be grateful for, but just because ONE dream of mine got shattered, the idea of having my other dreams fulfilled seems quite far-fetched.
And that one dream had so many tiny tiny sub-dreams attached to it. So many things were linked to that one wish. When that dream got shattered, for a moment, I felt as if my world shattered. Everyday I live a life which I never wanted to live. Everyday I walk over a path filled with thorns- My feet bleed, profusely- but I have to go on. I have to walk on that very path, with no destination in mind. It seems as if my hands have been chained, my mind deprived of it's wild imagination, and my world left colorless. I feel as if my happiness has been snatched away from me...and I can do nothing to regain it back.
While ,my world undergoes this unusual phase, everything is being affected. My eyes have lost their sparkles, and my soul has become restless. Every now and then, I feel confused. I don't know whether I should assist the thief of my dreams or not. Whenever I do anything with good intentions, keeping my personal gain miles out of it's parameter, I end up giving the impression that I am trying to dominate others; trying to get what I didn't get... illegitimately...And that is when I lose hope. Does this world deserve me? Does it deserve my good will?
It's a repeated fact that the world is going on because of a few good people..I wonder how they coped up with such tough times. Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela...they didn't succumb to the immense pressure laid upon them from those who didn't agree with their views. I wonder when I will be able to recognize my strength. I wonder when I will get that inspiration which makes people do the impossible...