Sunday, May 30, 2010

Confessions Of The Heart

Sometimes beauty deceives us. Sometimes words deceive us, and sometimes our very own actions deceive our soul. And we go on getting deceived because apparently we’re immune to it.
It’s funny how this life goes on. You get chances, you avail them without knowing why you’re doing it. You make aims not knowing what you would actually achieve from them. You try giving foundation to immature dreams not knowing that the world could crush them within seconds. Childhood- Yes, that’s the time when every single thing seems simple, easy, attainable. A time when you dream, dream and only dream; when the term reality seems a nuisance. When to your own self you’re the strongest and the most perfect person; when you don’t know the meaning of the word ‘cynical’ because to you everyone’s a friend, someone who loves to see you succeed because you deserve that success; when you know that you’re destined to be a leader, destined to make a change, destined to do what no-one ever did. Childhood: yes, the foundation of all dreams.
It’s pointless framing up sentences out of words which don’t really show the emotion behind them. Tears, smiles, laughter, happiness, sorrow, success, failure…they mean nothing. Nothing at all; because they’re just words; just words. I am not going to use these because now they’ve just lost their essence. Their very existence is no less then their absence. When I was a child life revolved around these words because these words were meaningful; because their usage meant something. But when I grew up I realized how things which were meant to be, weren’t supposed to be. How your life isn’t the same as Cinderella’s life or how you can never be Abraham Lincoln or Nelson Mendela. How….. even if you are somebody, your presence is just like the air- everywhere but nowhere.
And then you grow up and you move out of your very own cozy, little bubble…POP! You’re smashed, thrashed, beaten up by this mere word ‘r.e.a.l.i.t.y’ and off goes your dreamland, where you had the little fire place with your oh-so-lovely friends having tea. Today I feel disappointed. Not because life was ‘unfair’. No no no. Life is definitely fair; disappointed because today I figured out that there are such big cowards present in my life; disappointed because today I discovered how the word ‘deserving’ and ‘lucky’ don’t fit in, in the same category; disappointed because it just seems impossible to build foundations under those castles which you’ve made since years in the air; disappointed that all your efforts seem invisible to those who have eyes; disappointed because your childhood dreams stand no chance of turning into reality in this fake world.
For the first time it feels weird, tasting defeat. For the first time, I mustered up the courage to lose something which meant everything to me. For the first time, I didn’t ask God ‘why me’. I wonder why I didn’t write such a note when I was amongst those who won the Intel National Science Olympiad award; I wonder why I didn’t write this thing when I was chosen to come on TV and express my views;Why didn’t I write this note when I was in Islamabad, yet again chosen from amongst so many. Why didn’t I ask God then, ‘Why me’? All my dreams did come true, then why is just this one dream annoying me so much. Might be because it’s not just ‘only’ my dream; might be because I am scared of losing; might be because it would mean defeat to not only me but to someone who matters more than this world to me.
It’s just strange how we humans react to things. Either we stand up alone against the entire world just to show them that right is might, or we bow down in front of this same world in an act of grace- all for the sake of our ‘childhood’ dreams. All for the sake of proving that this world is not just as fake as the people in this world have proved it to be. I can just not continue playing with words because words are all that I have right now.
I don’t want to show this world that I am a weakling. Neither do I want to show this world that I am Hitler. I don’t want to be Napoleon Bonaparte. I don’t want to be Julius Ceaser. I want to be me. And right now it seems the most difficult task. Yes, being me because the world can just not accept someone as they are. And when this world determines the fulfillment of your dreams, one can do nothing. Just beg. Or learn to lose. Conceal yourself, modify your own self, and then the world will embrace you. And your childhood dreams will become real. However, their foundations would remain weak. Because a lie can never lead to success- ‘real’ success.
I wont beg. I don’t want to lose. I just want peace in my life. Whether to stand again as a warrior or surrender with grace to this world still remains a question unanswered. My life’s story reaches it climax. I wonder what it has in store for me.

Impossible. Life. Nah!

Sometimes some things just seem impossible. Impossible. Just like getting cent percent in maths when you suck at it. Just like getting a trophy after doing that one little thing for the first time. Just like wanting every other person to love you. Just like wishing you would have no enemies. Impossible. Just like wanting the time to freeze, and reliving the same moments which took your breath away. Impossible. Just like wanting to get rid of all the barriers; of society, those created by people, your own fears. Impossible. Just like wanting to change and yet keeping one thing in mind- I cannot change. Impossible.

I love this word impossible (atleast now). It just gives my heart a boast, a push- ‘it is possible’. And yeah mind you, Im no optimistic angel. Im the world’s MOST pessimistic person. But yeah, today while I write this, Im smiling. And its not the artificial smile. Today Im smiling within myself. Smiling because I never knew Id be writing this. Impossible is what you never took the chance to give a try. Impossible is something which your fears stopped you from achieving. Im-possible. I wonder who created this word. Imagine- if this word would have never been created, (That would sound like a joke!) our lives would have had everything with possibilities. You see we do not create these ‘possibilities’. They are always there, we just discover them. And when we forget to do that; when we feel too lazy to let all those chains lose, that’s when we say this word Impossible.

I wonder how much more amazing my life would have been if I would have made sure that I never got to know this word impossible. Im not a philosopher. Im not a genius. Im not a crazy person. Im not mad. And Im definitely not stupid. Its just that today one person again (mind you this is the gazzilionth time this person has done this) reminded me of life. In every word, Ive felt the change. I- ‘THE Maheen Zakaria’ (who has a major attitude problem :P according to some unreliable sources :P) felt for the first time, that how amazing it would be if we change our perspective towards this life. Running after things which wont really matter. Wanting someone to love you, wanting to get all the laurels, wanting to have every other wish fulfilled. Impossible?
“I mean- WTH! Life is all about becoming a successful doctor. My mom’s wasting like A LOT on my tuitions, and I waste my time keeping this crap in mind! What about my parents! My future! These are just words! Practice it! Then tell me! Who doesn’t want laurels! Who doesn’t want a happy life! You cant live a life on words!”
I don’t disagree with that. Ask me. Ive achieved almost everything Ive wanted. Ask me if Im happy. Ask me if Im content. Ask me about my laurels . Ask me about my future. I’ll boast. I’ll laugh, smile, but when I would return back home- Id want to get rid of those certificates. Those dreams about going to KGS. Those wishes which Ive concealed from every other person. Im not happy. Or atleast I wasn’t. This just isn’t life. No it isn’t.
And then I see a light at the end of this dark corridor.
“Why not try to live this life to the fullest. Jaisi bhi ho. Even if it ends up in disappointment. I mean, Im always happy. I never get worried. Because I don’t care about all this.” And Im like- WHAT? Then one day, (that is today) I say- Im gonna do that too! Ive had enough of this crap!
What if we aim at much more important things? Like changing someone’s life. Helping that little kid who just can’t get the idea of this strange life. Calm that worried face in the crowd, knowing you’ll get late for the test. Smiling at those strangers who had had a miserable day, or offer that lady who has these huge shoppers in her hand some help. Ask an unknown teacher if she needs help in lifting that pile of books. Or just for the sake of asking, tell that girl, ‘hey! Id help you with that speech, don’t worry!’ Or might be just saying thank you to that lady at the canteen or your driver. And not expecting any thing in return. No points for the Honour Cup. No votes for the Best Girl Shield. No support for winning the post in the Students’ Council. Just doing this for the sake of achieving happiness. Pleasing your Creator by pleasing His creations. Doing sth for the sake of being content. In short- living life to the fullest in the ‘rightest’ way. This is my perspective towards life.
I turned my materialistic thinking, my ‘hungry-for-success’ attitude to something I knew at first was ‘IMPOSSIBLE’. I did it. I turned Impossible to possible. And then wrote this up, knowing that people would think that I love boasting about my life, knowing that they’d feel how attention seeking I am, knowing they’d laugh after reading this note and call me stupid or might be ‘the FQ girl’, knowing they’d think that Im doing this just to get votes. I felt it was impossible to change ppl. But Im never going to give up. Even with such ‘might-be-useless’ notes, Id like to change lives. Id like to tell ppl- hey! You know what, Life is all about being happy!